it’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. but it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.

　　a lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. we get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.

　　i’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). i’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and i’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. here are a few of the things i’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.

　　1. you’re playing to win

　　one of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. i don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, i mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re tying to win. people in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. if you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long.

　　2. you don’t trust

　　there are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. one is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. the other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. the second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.

　　3. you don’t talk

　　too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (see #1 above; example: “if you don’t know why i’m mad, i’m certainly not going to tell you!”) while this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you. ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as i said that’s the death of a relationship.

　　4. you don’t listen

　　listening — really listening — is hard. it’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. but your partner deserves your active listening. s/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. if you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem.